First thing's first, I
love Christmas. I love Christmas specials. I love The 1964 Rankin and Bass
classic “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.” And I love the Misfit Toys. Unfortunately,
we have all been deceived. The Misfit
Toys were not actually misfits. They may have THOUGHT they were misfits, but
they are just as wrong as the rest of us.
- A Charlie in the Box -- OK, do the toys actually talk to their children? Because if they don't, WHO WOULD KNOW HIS NAME IS CHARLIE?!?!?! On the other hand, if the toys do talk, A.) What child wouldn't think a talking Jack in the Box was AWESOME! and B.) Kid says, "What's your name?" Charlie says, "Just call me Jack." It’s not a lie, it’s a nickname. PROBLEM SOLVED.
- A Train with Square Wheels on His Caboose – Admittedly, this is a problem; it's very difficult to roll on square wheels, but he is a TOY! Swap out the bad parts; it's not like trying to do a leg transplant on the family dog: HE'S A TOY! Pop those bad boys off and get some round ones. Heck, use buttons off an old coat or some stale Oreos. Anything round. PROBLEM SOLVED.
- A Dolly for Sue -- Lot's of debate as to what's wrong with her: Is it that she cries? That she has no nose? Or, is it a deep seated psychological problem caused by being abandoned (akin to Jesse from “Toy Story”)? Let's look at each possibility individually 1.) Crier... lots of dolls do this: You&Me Baby Doll, Teeny Tiny Tears Doll, Little Mommy Baby Doll, it's actually an added value -- NOT A PROBLEM. 2.) No nose... she's a rag doll; give me a sharpie and 60 seconds and PROBLEM SOLVED. 3.) Abandonment issues... There are probably a million kids who want nothing more than a dolly to play with; I could throw a rock and hit a little girl or boy who would be so happy to have this doll. "Don’t cry kiddo; would you like a new dolly to love and take care of?" "Yes, mister! Boy, golly, would I ever! Gee, thanks, mister!" PROBLEM SOLVED; everyone is happy (except maybe mom and dad because some creepy bearded dude just hit their child with a rock then bought them off with a rag doll).
- A Water Pistol that Squirts Jelly -- Is it simply filled with jelly? If so, just empty it out, run a little water through it, good as new. BUT! Why would you waste that jelly? If I had a Jelly Pistol, I'm making PB&J from across the damn kitchen. ALL. DAY. LONG. Now, if you put water in and jelly comes out, this little dude just became the JC of the toy world. NOT A PROBLEM. If you still have a problem, the issue is not with him, it's with you: I don't think you're ready for (t)his jelly.
- A Boat that Always Sinks -- OK, this might be a problem. I don't see any holes or structural issues that might need a quick fix in Santa's Workshop, so this Boat cannot do the one thing that pretty much defines what a boat is. He's screwed. MISFIT.
- An Airplane that Can Not Fly -- This is a TOY airplane, right? He's not an actual plane that does not actually fly, right? When I was a kid, I had dozens of toy airplanes that didn't actually fly; I wasn't a little Ricky Schroder with a train I could ride through my mansion and remote control helicopters and planes coming out my butt. If I threw one of my planes into the air, it didn't fly; it didn't even glide; it crashed and broke into a billion pieces. So, what did I do? I’d hold one of my toy planes above my head and run around making plane noises; THAT's how you play with a toy plane, kids. NOT A PROBLEM!
- A Spotted Elephant -- I'll say it right up front: I'm a little biased here; I love elephants, so this little pachyderm is perfect just the way he is. I have stuffed elephants, ceramic elephants, glass elephants, even an elephant ring. I don't care if he's spotted, polka-dotted, thistled, beaded, or plaid-ed. If you don’t like it, then you’re obviously racist, but this guy is OK in my book. I'm willing to bet there are more than a few people out there who agree with me 100%. Santa, please bring me and everyone like me a spotted elephant. PROBLEM SOLVED.
- A Cowboy that Rides an Ostrich -- Seriously? THIS IS AWESOME! Forget the toy: I want to BE a Cowboy that Rides an Ostrich. Ostriches are wicked cool! They have claws. They leap. They run over 40 mph! Picture this: Cowboy, guns blazing, charging at a group of bandits atop his trusty, feathered steed when all of a sudden, the bird leaps into the air and delivers a flying drop kick to Black Bart while the Cowboy guns down the rest of his gang. Screw Red Ryder; the Cowboy that Rides an Ostrich just became the Holy Grail of Christmas gifts. NOT A PROBLEM!
- A Bird that Swims Instead of Flying -- I hate to keep going back to this, but this is a TOY bird, right? Deal with this the same way you deal with the Airplane: arm up, start running, make bird noises. So now you’ve got a toy bird that you can take into the bathtub. He’s actually two toys in one; this bird was a trendsetter. He was the first Transformer; NOT A PROBLEM!
- A Wind-Up Mouse in a Set of Nesting Dolls -- Ideal! This is a toy that’s also a great prank. Forget about plastic vomit, snapping gum or itching powder. Grandma Quirk would have freaked when that little Wind-Up Mouse popped out of the last doll, and then she would have laughed so hard she would have fallen out of her chair. This is a perfect toy. NOT A PROBLEM!
- A Scooter for Jimmy -- I remember this guy falling over, but what scooter stands up on its own anyway? The scooter isn't defective, Jimmy is. Learn how to ride a scooter, Jimmy; stop blaming all your problems on someone else. Take some responsibility, kid. NOT A PROBLEM.
- A Winged Bear -- A bear with wings? This goes in the Cowboy who Rides an Ostrich category: Wicked Awesome. Imagine a 900lb, cobalt grizzly swooping down into the fray carrying a barbarian warrior on its back. The day is won; the orcs flee to the hills. OK, OK, I see it too; you say, "Mike, those aren't wings; that bear has a peacock tail. A brilliantly white peacock tail" Maybe so, but then he's just being fancy, and I'm OK with that too. NOT A PROBLEM!
